Behind these brown eyes…or why a dyke-y haircut isn’t going to make me feel better

Most people who know me think that I’m a pretty happy-go-lucky person.  And I am.  Until I’m not.  I laugh a lot.  I make jokes.  I laugh at other people's jokes.  I go out of town to cheer for people doing races.  I stay in town and cheer for people doing races.  I encourage.  I applaud.  I quietly break down.

Lately, I’ve really been struggling.  I hate my job.  Let me repeat that.  I HATE MY JOB!!!!!  I loathe it.  I abhor it.  I detest it.  For so many reasons, none of which I’ll go into here (but could be persuaded to over a glass of wine), this isn’t the place that I should be working.

But I am.  Because the money is pretty good.  At least, it’s good for my position.  Which is a secretary.  A job for which I am grossly overqualified.  Which sounds snobby.  And I don’t mean it to.  I think there’s nothing wrong with secretaries.  I think it’s a perfectly respectable profession. However, after graduating from law school and passing the Maryland Bar exam, this is not how I imagined my life.

But I’m here because I’m complacent.  And it’s scary to think of trying something new.  Because the unknown is so vast and unpredictable.  Here, I know I’ll be supporting a jerk, working with a few fellow secretaries that make me want to punch them in the throat, and generally being unchallenged.  And I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of having morons tell me what to do.

I’m tired of having no power and no say in my “career.”  I’m tired of being embarrassed when the inevitable DC question of “So, what do you do?” comes up.  I want to be able to proudly say what it is that I do.  What I want to do is plan events, especially weddings.  But how scary to leave a steady paycheck to do that?

So, instead, I’m preparing to study for the DC Bar exam.  So that I can have more career options.

Kelsey says I can quit my job.  She’s said it repeatedly in fact, but I don’t trust easily.  She loves me without question.  This I know to the depths of my being.  But I don’t know whether she’ll catch me if I fall.  And I will fall.  Because life is complicated.  And tough.  And surviving on one income is difficult under the best of circumstances.

And I’m scared of the unknown. What if we're supposed to meet at the elevator, but she goes to the escalator instead and we miss each other?  And Kelsey has so many great qualities, but being the take charge person isn’t one of them.  So what if I fall on my butt (which is padded)?  Or on my face (which isn’t)?  I can’t take the risk.  

So, instead, I cry on the subway train.  I deactivate my Facebook account.  I dream of a different life.  Sometimes, I’m single in that life.  Sometimes I’m still with Kelsey.  But always, I’m happier than I am right now.  In this moment.

Other times, like this morning, I go to the hairdresser and get the rest of my hair chopped off.  And then I realize that I look dyke-y.  Which shouldn’t bother me.  Because I’m gay.  But I don’t want to look gay gay.  I hate it.  And the wind is cold on my scalp.  And I’m sad.  And this sucks.

Not just surviving, but thriving

Today marks the 12th anniversary of a good friend's very serious health scare.  Although I've only had the pleasure of knowing her for 2 months, she's made an indelible impression on my cold, avaricious heart.  Last night, Kelsey and I went to Party City to get some balloons to celebrate this occasion, even though she's out of town training.  We then gathered with some of the (now former) Arlington Angels (AKA BGRDCARLVAXYZPOGR) to take a photo, which I sent to her via text this morning:

The Angels DO love Janeen!!!!!

She MAY or may not have cried, silly goose.

Here's how she described that fateful day 12 years ago:

11-13-13.....marks 12 years since a brain AVM (arteriovenous malformation) was discovered. Well two as a matter of fact. They were discovered by one if them rupturing. In short I was on disability from work for a year....and was told I wouldn't be able to walk without a walking device (cane or walker). Obviously I thought that was silly. 
Fast forward 12 years and I have so many great people in my life that have gave me the confidence to try to go above just walking. I have a half marathon this Sunday...and it's not my first. 
I thought a great anniversary gift to myself would be to do a box jump in crossfit. Now to others that seems like an easy accomplishment....for me not so much. Well I have been working on them I was able to jump on the box but then I sort of fell backwards BUT I got up there. So I consider this a win. 
So this D Day anniversary I choose to celebrate my awesome friends that motivate me everyday to be more than ordinary.  

She's as beautiful as she is gracious and silly.  The first day I met her, on a neighborhood run, I thought she was MEAN (which rhymes with her first name).  I couldn't have been more wrong.  She isn't as immediately smiley/laugh-y/jokey as I am, and that's a good thing.  When you get to know her, you realize that she has a heart of gold (platinum), and is a joy to be around.

She's running a half marathon (that's 13.1 miles for those of you not "in the know") this Sunday in Philadelphia.  How awesome is that?!

She's a member of the pod.  Here she is...coming to the stage...Janeen!!!!!

Day of the Dead vixen for Halloween 2013

With two of her favorite ladies, and fellow pod members (the one on the right is a reluctant member, but still...)

It's gotta be the shoooooeeeesssss

Chafing, tears, family, and friends

It's two days after completion of my first 10K, and I have finally decompressed.

The day didn't start out so well.  My stomach was hella upset, and I was sure I'd have to use a port-a-potty (the very idea of which makes me nauseous).  I'm still so new at this, so I don't know about pre-race nutrition.  I'm also on steroids for the plantar fasciitis, and the orthopedist told me to drink lots of fluids so as not to dehydrate.  But, due to my p-a-p phobia, I did the exact opposite.  I had a miniature coffee cake, a banana, and three sips of Gatorade before the race.  This probably wasn't enough, but oh well.

We left the hotel late (tough getting four females ready before 7 a.m.), and things went downhill from there.  They closed the highways down at some ungodly hour, so we couldn't find the damn race.  I was so angry that I took off my BGR Bondi band and my little hot pink headband/feathers, and said "Fuck this!  Take me the fuck home" to my ever-patient Kelsey.  My cousin Djeni was following us, so I called her and told her I was going home.

Djeni gently explained to me, as if I were someone just on the edge of sanity, that she would use her GPS to find a way around things.  Well, what looked like several illegal maneuvers later (including driving THROUGH some barricades), we arrived at the parking lot.  Then, we couldn't find the shuttle.  When we finally found it, some over-hyped Beckys on-board made me want to karate kick them in the throat.  After texting my violent thoughts to Djeni, and finding out that she concurred, I was able to calm down and get my smile back.

When we arrived at the race, I knew that I'd missed not only the BGR group shot, but also #DemBeauties.  Both of those things made me sad, since this was our first BGR big race.  Oh well, it really isn't about the photos.  Who am I kidding?!  Of COURSE it's about the photos!!!  I'm still pissed about that. :)

As we got to the corral area, the excitement was palpable.  It was really nice having Djeni and Amaya see exactly why I get so hyped about BGR!  They were able to see the friendships that are developing, and also the different shapes and sizes of women going out there and doing the damn thing.

We found most of #DemBeauties and got to take pics of some suspiciously matchy matchy shirts.  No clue how that happened.

Then, it was time to go.  We went over to the area where people would be running past, and captured a few cute shots:

The always fab KMC

One of the many Crystals, but my personal favorite diva sunglasses wearer extraordinaire

Ms. Tenikka

The little 5-year-old bastard who did the HALF MARATHON in a record-setting time

Can't even remember whom I was taking a pic of, but I know she had on a Running Pretty shirt

Once the half marathon folks were gone, it was our turn.  Even as I type this, I have so many butterflies in my stomach.  You know, it's tough when you doubt yourself.  Even when you have other people around you telling you that you CAN do something, if you don't believe it, it's harder to do it.  I've had so many health issues (really bad asthma, plantar fasciitis, achilles tendinitis, arthritis in both knees, and carrying around this extra 100 pounds of weight), that it truly seemed impossible that I could walk 6 miles. At once.  In the cold.

As we went to the corral, Djeni and Amaya went somewhere to cheer.  I saw MJB and some other Laurel Ladies, and they gave some encouraging smiles.  We heard the drum and fife, and then the cannon (musket?).  I started off slowly, just as planned.  I wanted to pace myself.  I had my whole playlist planned out.  The first song: the theme from "Rocky."  That seemed fitting, especially since the first bit of it was up a highway ramp.  People began passing me on my right, which made me want to push them off the ramp.  I though the rule was stay to the right if you're slow, and pass on the left.  Anyway, after being jostled one too many times, I began swinging my arms fairly wildly as I walked.  That took care of the problem.

As we came back down from the ramp, going through a tunnel, I saw what any urban woman is very familiar with:

Tumbleweave

I didn't really care about my finishing time, so I stepped away from the throng of walkers, runners, woggers, etc. and took a pic.

As I came out of the tunnel, and got to the first corner, I was so happy to see Djeni and Amaya.  Djeni looked a little concerned.  Maybe she was worried because she'd probably seen Kelsey come out way before me, and didn't know when I'd be there.  

Approximately 17 minutes later, I saw the most beautiful sight in the world: 

Yup, 1 mile done.  I followed through with my playlist, stopped the song that was playing, and played "Another One Bites the Dust."  My plan was to play that every time I came up to a mile marker.  Fitting, no?

The time between miles 1 and 2 was pretty uneventful, aside from the chafing.  Oh yeah...and the fact that I had a 13:31 split.  Mahfuckin' RIGHT!  So, my next happy moment came:

I don't remember much between miles 2 and 3 either.  So, I happily pushed play on my mile marker theme song once again.

It was shortly after this that the race changed for me.  I'd been happily going along, minding my own business, when a sole sister came alongside me.  She thought she was lost (I kinda did too), and so I took out my headphones to talk to her.  She talked about her church and her kids and stuff.  That was all fine.  Though I'm agnostic, I don't mind bible thumpers as long as they don't try to convert me.  All was well, fine, and good.  We passed a water and Gatorade station (have you ever noticed that it's the BEST TASTING GATORADE EVER?!?!?!).

Then, the hills started.  It's not that they were super long, or even so very steep.  But still, they were hills.  About halfway up one of them, she was like "I can't make it.  I need a push."  I thought she was joking, so I was all "Come on, you can do it!"  She said "No really.  I need you to push me up the hill."  So I did.  I put my hands on her back and literally pushed her up the hill.  I was feeling like such a bad ass at that point, the chafing almost didn't matter.

She would periodically jog ahead, and then walk again. I'm a fairly fast walker, so I'd always catch up to her.  We passed mile 4, and some semi-rednecky men along the road.  They were cool though, playing some country rock stuff and drinking beer...at 10:00 a.m.  Who am I to judge?  It's 5:00 somewhere, right?

Then, we went to cross the bridge for the second time.  I was a tiny bit nervous, but not nearly as much as she was.  Seeing that she was struggling, I started asking her questions about her kids and her job and stuff to keep her mind off of things.  This bridge isn't solid, so you could actually see through the metal grating.  It's a little disconcerting to be able to see where you'd fall to your death.

Then, the unthinkable happened: she asked me to "Run on ahead of me and get a picture of me running."  Now, a) I'm nobody's bitch (well, maybe Kelsey's, but that's about it); b) I was tired, I'd just pushed this heffa up a hill, and I didn't feel like running.  But, being a nice person, I obliged.  Here's the first pic:

She didn't like that one because it was too far away and the people were in her shot.  So she asked me to jog ahead again and get a better photo.  Again, I obliged, but my patience was wearing thin.  I don't even KNOW this chick.  She's from BGR Philly.  She never gave me her name or anything.

After the "photo shoot," during which she offered to take exactly ZERO photos of me, she asked me to find her on Facebook.  I was like, "Yeah, girl, I'll do that."  You know...without knowing your name or anything.  At that point, I just wanted her to leave me the hell alone.  If you know her, sorry I'm not sorry for offending you.  She was annoying as hell.

We came up on another ramp, and an ambulance went by.  I was really hoping no one was seriously injured.  I slowed down a little because by then the chafing could no longer be ignored.  At that point, she saw a fellow BGR Philly girl whom she considered her nemesis because the woman walked the entire time, but was still ahead of her (even with the pushy woman alternating walking and jogging).  So she wanted us to make a pact to pass the woman before the finish line.  Again, I was all, "Okaaaaay."

I slowed down enough to let her jog ahead again, and told her that I thought MY WIFE would be coming back for me soon.  Luckily, I don't think her Christian sensibilities liked that, because I didn't see her much longer after that.  And sure enough, approximately 2 minutes after I said that, a vision came to me.

KELSEY CAME BACK TO FINISH THE RACE WITH ME!!!!!

I wasn't sure she was actually going to do that, and I'm pretty sure I told her NOT to, but she did it anyway.  I was so grateful because there was no mile 5 marker, so I thought I still had much farther to go than I really did.  Since she had already finished, she was able to guide me on how much longer we had.  As we approached the stadium, I started jogging again, and was able to give some little kids high fives as we passed through a chute.  Then, it was stadium time.  I was so glad Kelsey could tell me that you had to basically run around the bases to get to the finish line.  I have a much greater appreciation of baseball players' stamina now.

I jogged a tiny bit when we got into the stadium, but then I went back to walking and tried to take it all in.  There was a jumbotron showing people as they cross the finish line.  There were lights, people cheering, and just a festive atmosphere.  When we got maybe 20 yards from the finish, I ran again.  This is me at the end of the race:

Note how happy I look, and how it looks like I'm actually beating Kelsey (she actually just gave me a chance to have my own moment to shine).  I passed Djeni and Amaya, who were screaming their heads off (more Djeni than Amaya, but what do you expect?  Teenagers can't be TOO enthusiastic. LOL)

After collecting my medal, I broke down.  I was just so overwhelmed by the experience, and knowing that I DID THAT.  Me, Ayanna Nikiah Vest, who wouldn't even walk more than 3 blocks a few months ago.  I finished a 6.2 mile race...in a respectable time.  I didn't come in last.  When the hills got tough, I repeated, ALOUD, "My race, my pace.  My race, my pace."  It helped so much.

Kelsey held me as I cried, and got a little choked up too.  She told me how proud she was of me.  Now, it was time to go upstairs, get those cool metal/foil blankets, and obtain my SECOND piece of bling (from BGR).  I saw MJB, Nicole, and Sylvia (beautiful Laurel Ladies).  We had a good time laughing with them.  They made fun of our lack of directional awareness, and asked about my shirt.

The aftermath of the race is: I ended up chafing.  Badly.  I'm not even sure that these photos do it justice.  No one told me not to wear fleece-lined "fashion" tights under my running pants.  I could feel the chafing by mile 1 or so, but had to keep going.  I wouldn't stop; couldn't stop.  Yeah, I should've stopped.  This hurts like you wouldn't believe, and walking like a cowboy is NOT cute.  Every time Kelsey puts the peroxide on them, it burns so much.  Ignore the ashy thighs. LOL

Left leg chafing

Right leg chafing and swelling

I couldn't have done this without Kelsey, Djeni, Amaya, and the countless BGR friends who encouraged me throughout this process.

Now, I'm tired of typing now, so I'll end this VERY LONG post.  Suffice it to say, I ultimately had a fantastic time at my first 10K, and look forward to more races in the future. :)

Race day nerves or why road trips are bad for marriages

I've been up since before 5 a.m.  I didn't want to wake anyone, so I struggled to get back to sleep.  I checked Facebook.  Found out my #runwife was in a crazy car accident, but escaped mostly unscathed (thank the fairies for that).  I did a little Facebook chatting.  And then I did what any normal person would do.  I came down to the lobby and called my mommy. :)

She's in NYC with her bff.  They saw "Romeo & Juliet" on Broadway.  I felt slightly envious.

Yesterday's ride up here was a NIGHTMARE!!!!!!  Our average pace was 38.4 mph.  I mean...we almost missed the entire expo.  I had to pee with around 100 miles to go, but knew that if we stopped, we'd probably miss it.  Since this was our first opportunity to go to an expo, it seemed like we better book it.

Kelsey was so rage-y.  She made me nervous.  She kept banging the steering wheel and saying "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"  There's only room for ONE psycho/overly emotional maniac in this marriage, and I claimed that title YEARS ago.  Ima need her to be the calm, unflappable person I married. LOL

By the time we got up here, we were barely speaking.  She was upset that I kept telling her to calm down, and she was frustrated by the traffic.  I was feeling that this whole trip was going to be ruined.  We got to the race bib pick-up with 4 minutes to spare.  Most of the vendors were breaking their booths down already, which was poopy.

Wait...I skipped part.  So...before we got on the road, the wonderful people at Customize Me delivered our hoodies.  My mom designed these for her and my stepdad to wear at last week's race, but they didn't come in before Sunday.  So, I had some made up for me and Kelsey.  How cute are they?!

Front view

 

Back view

 

When we got our bibs, I was so totally incredibly excited.  See...because we're BIG TIME, we got our names on them!!!  To make matters even more delicious, we went to our pusher man at another hotel and got our tech shirts.  I'll have to post a pic of the back later, but suffice it to say, I plan to be "Running Pretty" with #DemBeauties.

 

Ready for the race

 

I came down to use the public bathroom, so I could poop in private.  See...we have 4 people in our room (my sweet Kaiysha and Amaya) drove 90 minutes to come sit outside...in the cold...to cheer us on.  Could I be any luckier?

 

If anyone reads this before 10:30 a.m. on Saturday, please send positive thoughts my way.

 

 

Tomorrow is my first 10K

Woot!

This is my first blog post.  Ever.  I have always tended to use my Facebook page as a pseudo blog.  However, after several gentle (and not-so-gentle) prods, I decided to start an actual blog.

Around 3 months ago, Kelsey and I joined Black Girls Run!  It's an amazeballs group of women, mostly of color, who get together and walk/jog/wog/run.  Some do it just for fun.  Others are race-aholics.  I fall somewhere in-between.  I'm highly suggestible, and a sucker for bling.

Somehow, some way, I got convinced (read: convinced myself) to sign up for out-of-town races.  I've never actually done 6.2 miles of ANYTHING before, and I'm therefore scared mostly shitless (only not really shitless, since my stomach is so upset right now). #awesome

We're getting on the road at around 1:30 this afternoon.  Kelsey is all pumped up and excited.  She's fast.  For someone who's only been running for 3 months now, I can't believe how very fast she is (under 10-minute miles when she runs with #DemBeauties).  One day...maybe...I can catch up with her.

But enough about her. :)

We're staying in a hotel that I've never stayed in before, so it should be interesting.  People have been making jokes about running in bullet-proof vests.  If that's any indication of what Trenton is like, I'm in for a treat.  I can't outwalk a bullet.  So, this could be my last post. Hahaha

I feel so fortunate that my cousin and her daughter are meeting us in Trenton to cheer us on.  It will be great motivation to know that, waiting at the finish line, will be Djeni and Amaya.  Knowing that, I can't NOT finish.  Right?!

I'm worried.  About the cold.  About my asthma.  About the 100+ extra pounds that I'm carrying around. I'm 5'4", almost 250 pounds.  Did I put that out there?  Yup, I sure did.  I'm trying to earn my "oversharing" street cred.  I have plantar fasciitis.  I have a problem with my achilles tendon.  I don't do my stretches like EVERYONE who knows ANYTHING has been counseling me to do.  I can't find my rolling pin because our condo is still a friggin' mess from our wedding.  You know, the one that took place over 3 months ago.

I hope I can make it tomorrow.  Last weekend, at the Race to End Women's Cancer, I'm not sure I would've made it without my sweet mom walking beside me.  Tomorrow, I walk alone.

Got my playlist being formed.  Got some headphones.  Got around 5 outfits packed.  Got my tutu.  Got my BondiBand.  Got my wife.

Now, all I need left to "got" is my courage.

Poop.